Silence

7 May 2015

I lost my voice. The people closest to me felt the lull. I felt a whopping pile of nothingness.

* * *

I actually thought about just typing the title and pressing post. A passive aggressive one-two punch at my own psyche. I quickly realized that carrying out a duel with oneself via blog post is sad. A quarrel such as this is done best offline or in the comfort of a therapist’s office.

I’m learning lessons everyday, folks.

Just so we are clear, though, regarding the aforementioned fight, I would have won.

Hands down.

* * *

I’m not one for being quiet. Frankly, silence makes me uncomfortable. Case in point, I was out for a jaunt with my rowdy small fry and my super chill gym wife last weekend. We were in close proximity (the car) when the proverbial skies opened up and thunder bellowed. Aiden and I were having a “discussion” about his behavior and I screamed at the tip top of my lungs that the Quiet Game was about to start and that he was going to lose. My feeble ruse to trick him into compliance did not work. He met my screams and raised me a roar.

Game on, my little chickadee.

Meanwhile, my gym wife was about to have a coronary. I was declaring Quiet Game victory when she calmly stated that I lost, that we both lost. We were, in fact, not quiet.

I share this tale to fully illustrate my innate inability to be silent, even when trying. Really trying. In doing so, I now realize this trait is hereditary. I am in for it.

(My mom is secretly high-fiving herself.)

Okay, back on topic…

For the past several months I have been silent. (Please re-read the section above.) Silence is hard for me. I don’t do calm. To me, being Zen is not giggling during happy baby.

I talk now but there is a lot I am not saying. I’ve slowly been withdrawing from my BFFs and close family. At first my retreat was slight, almost unnoticeable. There was no intent in my actions, or lack thereof. As time passed, my absence/my silence grew more pronounced. I felt it in my bones. I stopped replying to emails, left text messages untouched, steered clear of FB messenger and didn’t answer my phone.

Basically, I traveled (a lot) for work, spent time with Aiden, and went to the gym. I then hit the repeat button over-and-over-and-over-and-over… You get my drift. I was living my life on autopilot.

By nature I am a terrible RSVPer, I’ll totally own it, but somehow I managed to take my lack of responsiveness to a whole new level. The level entitled, “I don’t give a shit.” I know, I know that sounds harsh. It’s not that I don’t care about the people involved, I just stopped caring about the actual involvement. I was tired. Exhausted, rather.

Life was happening all around me but I stopped. I was numb. I watched events, people, moments spin about; a tornado of reminders of things left undone.

I was undone.

Things in my life are changing now. Change is not easy but learning to bend is also learning to grow. I am committed to growing, to learning. I want to be a better person. I am adaptable. I am strong. I am also imperfect. I am choosing to feel even when it hurts. I am choosing love over apathy.

I have started crying again. There is power in crying. Thank, God.

I called my mom two weeks ago and we really talked. I even had coffee with my brother. On Monday I emailed my forever friends and entitled the message, “Breaking the Silence.”

This post now serves as concrete evidence; the silence, my silence, is broken.

Take that uncommunicative, unresponsive self; Chatty, sociable, fun-loving self is making a comeback and she is ready to talk some smack.

Okay, okay…

The need to end this post is getting real.

Here’s to rolling with the punches and believing in yourself (at all communication levels). Also, let’s give a BIG shout out to all of the good family and friends – gym wives included – in the world; those willing to put up with YOUR bullshit because they know YOU so well (and love you anyway). I am fortunate to be dripping with peeps such as these. Blessings do abound.

Last thing, I’m training for my Quiet Game rematch. My kiddo best be ready. 🙂